Loser was my senior thesis project at the University of Michigan. When I first started this project, I had so many thoughts spilling out of my brain that I couldn’t keep anything straight. I covered the walls in my studio with frantic chicken scratch scrawlings of every idea, question, or snippet of logic that crossed my mind.
I considered the parts of myself I wanted to address; what felt most crucial to me? What aspects of my world feel most relevant? I realized that a lot of my identity stems from my ability to interact with others, and this is the main way I create meaningful connections.
When I considered the different ways I socialized with my friends and family, the theme of playing cards emerged.
I’d fiercely avoided some games but been a champion of others, at once eager to play but afraid to lose. The mechanics of these games, my experiences playing them, and the way I viewed my relationships, were all linked. I was fascinated by the way my life was outlined by the way I’d been unconsciously using cards as a crutch for socializing; I was literally playing games, but I’d also been trying to strategize my way through my actual life.
I decided to write about my lifelong hatred of euchre and what my resistance and ultimate acquiescence revealed about my life. This overarching narrative is cut apart by smaller anecdotes about other games that each explore different facets of my relationships with others as well as my relationship with myself.